Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
