I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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