Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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