i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Oh god it's open bar.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I'm really busy with my period
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