hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
