He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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