literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
