i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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