I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My ass is underappreciated
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
