Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Ladies don't puke and tell
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
