the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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