Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
