did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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