ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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