and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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