Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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