no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
