I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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