I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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