so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
