i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
