I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
