i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
