When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
