I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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