Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
