Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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