Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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