Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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