anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
