There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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