Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
