I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
