I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
