Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
