He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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