tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
