Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
