I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
