So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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