fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
