So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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