I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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