the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
