While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
