So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
