Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
