he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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