in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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