Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
